Emotional Regulation:
A Lifelong Practice

You know those stories of people who win the lottery, but soon enough, their life has the same old cracks in it? It makes you realize that no matter our circumstances, none of us have a truly friction-free life.

As much as I like to buy the occasional scratch ticket, I also try to remember that facing hurdles is part of the package deal of being alive. What makes a huge difference in our day-to-day lives is the way we deal with those hurdles. Since having a life of pure ease is never going to happen, the next best alternative is trying to handle the inevitable curveballs to the best of our ability. The bedrock of that practice is emotional regulation–and anyone at any age can shift toward it.

So what is emotional regulation? Put simply, it’s the inner ability to manage intense emotions. When you’re emotionally regulated, you have a stable, secure feeling inside you. Challenges can happen and you’re able to roll with it. Whether you get cut off in traffic, spill coffee on your shirt, or arrive late for an appointment, you are able to recognize, manage and respond to your emotions in a responsible way. You may certainly feel displeased or frustrated about what’s happened, but you have coping strategies to deal with those feelings. In other words, you’re regulated enough to deal with them and move on.

Emotional dysregulation, on the other hand, is what happens when you collapse into those big feelings of upset, anger, frustration, and so forth. If you’re human, no doubt you’ve had moments of intense emotional dysregulation in your life.  

For me, it’s usually triggered by time pressure. If I take on too much, and then traffic/ the unexpected / life happens, I can act out in a primal way that leaves me embarrassed and apologetic. My husband and I still talk about the time I had a panicked tantrum early in our relationship due to a domino effect of work demands. I had too many shows scheduled and my stress erupted. Wigs were thrown and drama ensued. We can laugh about it now, but I know first-hand that not being able to control my emotions feels terrible.

(Note* Although all of us have moments of emotional dysregulation, that’s different from emotional regulation disorder. This is a condition where a person’s ability to regulate and manage their emotions is impaired or dysfunctional. Angry outbursts directed at an innocent bystander, passive-agression, self-destructive behaviour, hypersensitivity and poor self-control are all features of emotional regulation disorder.)

Back to the basics though; let’s dig a little further into what’s really going on inside us when we have our regulated and dysregulated moments.

The good news about emotional regulation is that it’s a skill. Learning to manage and balance our emotions is something that typically progresses with age, unfolding over the course of our lives. (After all, that’s why most of us who were real jerks in our teen years ended up as much nicer adults!)

We know that everyone has times when we’re hit by huge waves of emotion and we go off the deep end, caught in a tsunami of anger, jealousy, frustration, or disappointment. Learning how to handle this throughout the lifespan is really important. And it turns out that children and adults regulate their emotions differently. We use different tools of emotional self-regulation at different times during our lives. My kids are teenagers, while my husband Scott and I are middle-aged. All four of us have different ways of emotionally regulating ourselves than we did 15 years ago.

For example:

• • As infants, we need lots of cuddles to know that we are ok. My firstborn loved to be constantly held, and my youngest loved to constantly eat! That’s because babies use their innate physiological responses, like sucking, to self-soothe. They express fear by crying, which invites attention and comfort from caregivers, which in turn helps them return to a state of calm.
  • Toddlers can start to use emotional regulation strategies like avoiding or moving away from things that upset them. (This might explain why the kids left the room anytime I did my Liza Minelli impression). Distraction also becomes an important tool at this stage, which is why I used to carry hand puppets in my bag. You’ve probably seen videos of kids being distracted by a physician while getting a vaccine; my personal favourite is the kids who stop crying when someone puts a slice of cheese on their head. Distractions for the win!
  • In childhood, kids can learn how to name their feelings and respond to them appropriately. My parents once told me that, when I was 6 or 7 years old, I said in a moment of anger, “I feel like I have a volcano inside my chest!” Little did I know, being able to label that feeling was a big part of my emotional regulation journey!
  • As much as the stereotypes about teenagers frame them as moody creatures prone to emotional outbursts, adolescence is actually a time of really expanding their emotional regulation toolkit. For example, because it’s a time of life where the opinions of their peers really matter, teens might have outbursts with their parents but will practice emotional self-regulation if they think that that will be received positively from peers.
  • In adulthood, the expectation that we can self-regulate is high. But even through adulthood, our regulation strategies can shift and grow. Young adults, for example, are better at re-framing negative perceptions than older adults. In our later years, we tend to be better at focussing on positive rather than negative information about a situation. When I was a university student in my early 20s, I’d often call my mom anytime there was drama in my life and ask her to tell me not to worry, and that everything would work out. Now I take a few deep breaths and tell myself those words.

Learning how to regulate BIG FEELINGS as kids and young people is critical to our overall well-being and quality of life. If we let our emotions overtake us on a regular basis, it can threaten our performance at work or school and impact our relationships, leaving us feeling isolated and struggling to achieve our goals.

At the same time, we want to increase our patience and self-compassion. For example, in my women’s soccer league (I love dropping that sentence!) something takes over when I’m racing to stop an opposing player from scoring and I somehow become simultaneously aggressive AND defensive. I used to sheepishly offer up an excuse or apology for those spirited moments. But I noticed other players have these same charges of emotion, anywhere on a scale from mild to “call the exorcist!” And even though no one got hurt, with each outburst, the players had a deflated look of shame afterwards and I realized we all need to go easier on ourselves.

And the best we can do is to set the intention before the game to be mindful that it’s a friendly league, that nothing should be taken personally, and that we can let ourselves and each other off the hook for getting caught up in the moment. Just being aware of that makes me slower to get heated and quicker to forgive. Being able to regulate our feelings and roll with a situation just feels better—for everyone involved!

Researchers in the field of positive psychology will sometimes talk about the “process model” for emotional regulation. This is just a fancy way of talking about the sequence we go through—generally without even thinking about it—when we regulate our emotions. The sequence goes like this: 

1. Situation. You experience a “trigger” or situation that makes you want to freak out. For example, maybe your boss makes a critical remark about your work.

2. Attention. Your attention is drawn to the situation, and your emotions come flooding in. Whether it’s sadness, embarrassment, shame, or generally anything else we deem “negative,” it’s GO TIME for those big feelings!

3. Appraisal. This is you evaluating and interpreting the situation. The sharp remark from your boss could be interpreted as widely as, “I’m about to be fired,” or “geez, I guess the boss hasn’t had her coffee this morning.”

4. Response. This is where you react to the situation. If you’re scared you’ll be fired, you may cry, get angry, or feel shame and shrink away. On the other hand, if your interpretation is that the problem lies squarely with the boss and her lack of coffee, you may simply step out of the room or check in with her to make sure she’s feeling ok.

Understanding how we generally move through this process of emotional regulation can be quite revealing. It can help us reflect on our automatic responses, and potentially make different choices in the future.

One of my favourite approaches to emotional regulation is called “broaden and build.” The idea is that positive emotions like joy, gratitude, and curiosity can broaden our responses to certain situations. Positive emotions expand our attention and thinking, which gives us cognitive flexibility and makes us more solution-oriented. In other words, instead of trying to squash or repress negative emotions, it can be more effective to use positive emotions to cope with life’s challenges.

I like to produce positive emotions by viewing situations through a comedic lens, being present in the moment through mindfulness, and walking in the woods with my dog Ellie, focussing on my gratitude for nature. The more I do these things, the more I feel able to have a clear perspective and regulate my response to the world. My family says I’m less reactive and that feels like a big win (especially if you knew me in my 20s!)

This kind of change is possible for anyone based on the “upward spiral” effect. Just like negative emotions can lead to a downward spiral, positive habits and emotions can kickstart an upward spiral. Positive emotions help open up your thinking and make you more likely to do things that bring even more positivity into your life. For example, feeling joyful might inspire you to try something new, meet new people, or tackle challenges creatively, which then brings even more positive emotions. It’s a cycle that builds on itself in the best way.

Unfortunately, if we don’t learn how to regulate our emotions as young people, we can be left at a serious deficit. We may turn to unhealthy or unhelpful ways to regulate ourselves. For example, there are those that work temporarily but actually leave us worse off in the long run (e.g. drugs, alcohol and avoidance), and those that are downright harmful (e.g. self-harm, verbal and physical aggression).

Here’s the good news: emotional regulation is actually a skill you can cultivate at any age. All of us can learn healthy ways to cope with the inevitable tough times we all face. And there are lots of ways to do this on a daily basis, many of them backed by research into positive psychology.

Here are some of my favourites:

1. Mindfulness exercises. I’ve written before about how resistant I was to trying meditation for the longest time. When I finally decided (for myself!) to give it a proper go, I couldn’t believe how effective it was to just connect to a feeling of peace, even for five minutes. With so many meditation apps, websites and classes these days, it’s easier than ever to find the approach that works best for you. Now even though I only meditate once or twice a week I’m just generally less reactive because I know deep down I have a strong, safe base I can access anytime.

2. Humour. I’m not saying this just because I’m a comedian—the research bears it out! Good-natured, positive humour in particular has been shown to be an effective emotional regulation strategy. It both boosts positive emotion and buffers, or “down-regulates” negative emotion. Laughing about mishaps with a trusted friend, keeping a comedy journal or watching comedy with others are the most helpful ways I’ve found to up the funny in my life.

3. Sleep. You know it. I know it. When we don’t get consistent, quality sleep, we are so much more likely to be grumpy. Or, in fancy scientific terms, sleep deprivation increases emotional reactivity or overreaction to stressful stimuli. On the other hand, good quality REM sleep down-regulates the reactivity of the amygdala, the part of our brain that processes emotions. If you’re feeling wrangy, prioritize those nighttime zzz’s with good sleep hygiene (consistent bedtime & wakeup time, no screens in bed, and putting a blue light filter on your phone 2 hours before going to sleep.)

4. Distancing. To me, distancing a strategy akin to what I call “playing anthropologist.” It’s much different from avoiding a person or situation altogether, which can sometimes amp up stress and contribute to dysregulation in the long run. Rather, the practice of distancing involves stepping back and evaluating what’s happening through the eyes of a neutral third party. When you approach situations like an anthropologist, you get curious. You’re much less likely to interpret a situation in the most disastrous or catastrophic way. Maybe that car cut you off in traffic not because they’re an a-hole but because their partner is having a baby and they’re rushing to the hospital! Put on your anthro hat and watch your heart rate slow down and shoulders ease out.

One strategy I’m really intrigued by these days is Plutchik’s wheel of emotions. Designed by psychologist Robert Plutchik, the wheel shows there are eight basic emotions (which you may or may not be familiar with from Disney’s Inside Out movies). Those emotions are organized into the function that they play in our lives. Anger, for example, tells you that “something is in the way.” Admiration, according to the wheel, signals, “I want to support this person or thing.” The wheel helps us develop our language of feelings without judgment, which can in turn help us figure out what our feelings are, and what information they hold.

When I’m emotionally regulated, I can take the good with the bad. I get this spacious feeling inside of me, like I have a lot of room and leeway to navigate my feelings. I feel flexible, like a tree whose grounding allows her branches to sway in the wind. Dysregulation, on the other hand, feels like the tree is caught up in an unpredictable storm.

We owe it to ourselves to calm that storm.

Taking steps to practice emotional regulation pays dividends in the long run. You maintain perspective and don’t let life’s demands get the best of you. It’s never too late to strengthen your emotional regulation skills. Personally, I started working on it at 45! The payoff is so rewarding–and will make me one chilled-out senior citizen one day.